A woman in our town, Mrs. Young (may her memory be blessed), often took in foster children. A boy with some physical (and probably emotional) issues, joined our sixth grade class — not an easy thing for anyone to do in a small town where many of us had been together since kindergarten. I think his name was Nick, and I’m sad that I’m not sure. He was taunted and tormented by boys in our class. I knew this. We all knew this. I knew it was wrong. But I said nothing. Uncomfortably, I giggled along when others did too. He didn’t last long with us. Couldn’t have been more than a couple of days. He left the room crying. Later, Mrs. Young came in and let us have it. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach. And I should have. And I still remember that feeling. Maybe that’s why I remember. I knew I had done something awful by doing nothing. I knew my character was not what I wanted it to be. I knew my silence had been as damaging as someone else’s words. I knew I was very, very wrong.

If Mitt Romney has actually forgotten his hurtful deeds, is that because he never understood them as hurtful? Or, is he simply following some campaign guru’s advice? Either way, I find it awfully hard to believe he forgot. I remember the feel of the chair on my butt when Mrs. Young was yelling at our class. I remember digging my fingernails into the wood of the seat. I remember repeating to myself, don’t cry, don’t cry, because even though I was ashamed, I was in sixth grade and didn’t want to be seen as a cry-baby.

What does anything in this discussion have to do with writing? One of my favorite characters, the protagonist in my WIP, in early drafts was too perfect, too polly-anna-ish. She was a chronic conflict avoider — go figure. But life doesn’t work like that, and neither do good books. That aspect of her character was something I had to consider and let her evolve past my own foibles. She has, and hopefully, I’m getting there too.

Steve Almond kicks it out of the park today on The Rumpus on this same subject. Give it a whirl. Sometimes I think it’s a damn fine idea to think about things we’ve done that we’re ashamed of — it’s an old story, isn’t it? We’re destined to repeat what we forget. Quite a lesson in there for my politcally-averse brain. How ’bout you?

So, goals for April 5 to May 5?

1) Novel – Ask one of my writer friends to be an accountability partner. Check in with her once a week with progress report and receive any necessary nagging with humility. In afternoons, begin to update potential agents to contact list. Update folder of publicity possibilities. 

I am now up to page 103 in the revisions of this draft — a dramatic increase from last month. (My accountability partner is brutal. )  I did begin updating both the potential agents list and the folder of publicity possibilities. Novel progress grade — A

2) Encouraging and supporting other writers – Seek more guest posts for this blog too. Be more intentional about sharing good posts that I read. Be better about maintaining list for future posts. Do some “housekeeping” at this blog: update blogroll, update reading list, update publication list. Um, well, didn’t do most of this. Grade? C- (kept up the blogging, just nothing else on the list)

3) Submitting – Set aside time each Sunday to explore what can and should be submitted or resubmitted, and, do it.    Grade? D (did it once, not twice)

Goals for May 5 to June 5 –

Since I was accepted recently to Luis Alberto Urrea‘s advanced fiction workshop at Aspen Summer Words in June (yes, yes, yes, authors, writing workshops, mountains…. think Julie Andrews except I’ll be singing, “The hills are alive, with the sounds of writers, with words that will sing, for a thousand years…”), I have two simple goals between now and June 5.

1. Finish and polish novel revision to be prepared to pitch same at the conference. (Oh yes, yes, yes!)

2. Review short story to workshop with group at conference.

Other things are likely to happen, but can’t at the expense of one and two. Hope your goal setting is keeping you on track.

“Nothing helps me to focus on the moment, appreciate what I have, and get my hands back into life’s pleasures better than taking the time to cook or bake slowly, with intention. No phones. No email. No music, even. Just me and ingredients and the promise of creating from scratch with nearly immediate gratification.” Lisa Rivero

Check out her post here, and see if you aren’t tempted to give those strawberry scones a whirl!

What helps you focus on the moment? For me, a good long walk can do it… or, hanging laundry. (Yes, I still do and yes, it is one of my favorite things to do – the sky, the breeze – it’s very calming and meditative for me.) What are your focus or re-focus tricks/activities?

I thought of those parents on Sunday when I read the New York Times article, “The Flight from Conversation.” In her article, Sherry Turkle, a psychologist and professor at M.I.T. and the author, most recently, of “Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other,” begins with these thoughts which certainly spoke to me:

WE live in a technological universe in which we are always communicating. And yet we have sacrificed conversation for mere connection. At home, families sit together, texting and reading e-mail. At work executives text during board meetings. We text (and shop and go on Facebook) during classes and when we’re on dates.

Yes, it has happened in my home. In the evenings, after supper, my husband and I might sit with the television on, both of us with laptops in our laps, checking email, facebook, whatever. Meanwhile, our son might be in the same room, or another, on his laptop too. We don’t allow screens or cellphones at the dinner table, but I’ve been with people who do. You have too. You really can’t eat in a restaurant without feeling like you’re eating in a phone booth, for those of us who remember those.

Last June I attended Ann Patchett’s reading at one of our local independent bookstores, Boswells. I remember Patchett talking about how she often feels like she has to jump through hoops to deal with cellphones in stories if she wants those stories to feel contemporary. It’s a challenge. And, perhaps that in part explains why the majority of my writing lands in the pre-cell phone, pre-internet timeframe. People spoke to each other — face to face — not screen to screen. I haven’t figured out how to write an interesting scene with a character who is always hooked up to something.

How do you deal with technology and your characters in your writing? I would LOVE to hear from anyone who feels they’ve made some headway in this area. I need some tips!

Happy #writing.

I never expected to have the opportunity to grow old, which is a little odd, I know, but true. Apparently, it’s a common experience when a person loses a parent at a young age. My father died suddenly when he was 41 and I was eighteen. So, in thinking about my life, I thought I would die young, maybe make it to 45, but no need to plan for retiring, etc. And, when I was diagnosed with cancer at 48, I was fairly certain I had bought a few extra years and would be checking out before age 50. But, thankfully, with a diagnosis of “cancer light,” I faced a future with potentially more years than I had ever expected.

It created a weird problem for me. I might get old? I never gave that much thought. Perhaps like many creatives, I never had a “set in stone” life plan. I had a few givens that I wanted to achieve — I wanted to marry, I wanted to become a mother, I wanted to work at something I would feel good about — that I was doing what I could to make my corner of the world a little brighter. But, getting old? The weight our culture gives that word made it stick in my throat like a dry biscuit.

The fact is I’m fifty-one. I don’t know if I will get “old.” I know that I have certain physical issues that make my body at times feel quite old. But my mind feels pretty sharp. My interest in living an artful life is only growing, not diminishing. I’m a habitual smiler, so I’m developing deep wrinkles from the edge of my mouth down to the sides of my chin. Someday, they will give me a distinct bull-dog look. And, know what? I don’t mind them all that much. I just think of Joshua Kadison’s lovely song, “Beautiful In My Eyes,” and my favorite line, “When there are lines upon my face, from a lifetime of smiles….”

So, at long last, I return to Julianna Baggott’s post, “I Want to Age like Jane Goodall. (What about Kelly Ripa?)”  (I want to go to title-writing class with Julianna Baggott!) I encourage you to check it out and read the whole post. And, if you’re not a regular follower of Julianna’s blog, consider becoming one. One paragraph in particular resonated with me:

“I’m guessing the trick of Goodall’s aging however isn’t a simple one. (First of all, it wouldn’t be right not to mention that Goodall has a classical beauty and always has — beautiful bone structure …) But her current beauty doesn’t require one to just steer clear of cosmetic surgery. No. Hers is an active beauty. Goodall is lit from within. Her beauty — which she radiates with incredibly high wattage — is a very specific beauty — that of purpose.”

When I wrote earlier that in my younger days I didn’t have a clear life plan set out, but I knew I wanted to “make my corner of the world a little brighter,” that gave me a sense of purpose. Now, as I look at my past, thankfully I have few regrets. And, as I look to the unknown, I’m glad that writing gives me another avenue to work on my purpose. I’m thrilled when I hear from a writer who has enjoyed or gained something from a blog post, a story, some sentence or phrase that flew from my fingertips. I’m ecstatic when someone then shares that information with others. (Yes, I do get all happy when a blog post is shared on twitter or facebook. Call me a lame-o, fine, but this lame-o is smiling.) Writing has helped my “corner of the world” expand. And that makes me smile, a lot.

Hope you’re enjoying earning your wrinkles! Happy #writing, if that’s on your agenda.

Sometimes the revision progress, at least in my experience in a longer work, can feel like a slog. I don’t mean I’ve lost any joy in the story or the characters, but going through the whole work – again – for the umpteenth time – has its moments of mighty doubts. Is it worth it? Will this story ever get the audience I feel it deserves? And, so, at times, I need to find a reward to calm my inner-doubt-meister.

I love Mildred in “Marking Mildred.” If I grow old, I hope to have her spirit and strength. Sending her out again to find more readers, has been a resurrection for that story and has renewed my motivation. The doubt-meister, for the moment, is mute.

I am, after all, Pam Parker, Persevering Professional. I will not quit. I will not stop until this heart stops beating. I am as strong as Mildred.

(Hope you read her story if you haven’t yet. Let me know what you think.)

Happy #writing. Carry on. Find your ways to silence the doubt-meister.

Facebook, Goodreads, Twitter, LinkedIn, you name the social media outlet, are all good avenues for writers to promote their work and others’ work that they choose to support. I made a mistake once on Goodreads and have never repeated it. I did overrate a friend’s book. I clicked the stars and walked away and felt lousy. While I had seen some early drafts of the book, I hadn’t seen the end until it was out. When I read it, I was disappointed. Not that it was awful, it wasn’t. But there were some “chunks,” where I thought, too bad you didn’t work with a better editor. Unfortunately, in that one case, I did let my friendship color my ranking. As I said, I learned from that experience.

I’ve written before that I don’t consider myself a book reviewer. I’m not interested, yet, in writing the analysis and in-depth critique that good book reviewers do. When I have authors on PamWrites (see posts with Alan Heathcock, Rebecca Rasmussen, Steve Almond, Amber Dermont, Robert Vaughan and Susan Tepper), they’re here because I’ve read their work and enjoyed it. But, when these people are your friends (as Amber and Robert are), there is a fear that my support of their work will be dismissed because of that friendship. Trust me, I have writer friends whose books I’ve read (and sometimes not) that I wouldn’t write about here. They’ve written a book that just isn’t for me.

I have a dear writer friend. I adore her as well as her work. Soon, I will be doing an indepth post with her. She is a wonderful human being. Carol Wobig writes short stories that make you stop as you’re reading to mavel at the characters, sentences, the delicious resemblance to Grace Paley and Alice Munro‘s work. We are both friends with Judy Bridges and met through the community Judy birthed here in Milwaukee, Redbird Studio and now, RedBird-RedOak Writing. Judy has a great post up, It Takes A Village, detailing the many friends it took to help Carol Wobig publish her first collection of short stories, Poached is Not an Option. Judy references Carol’s mention of a “see me” from an eighth grade English teacher who told Carol she should think about being a writer:

“It’s a long road from the first “See me,” to the first, “I love your book,” and no one walks the road alone.”

Aint it the truth? And, who couldn’t think of a Beatles insert right about now?

When I wrote in my Facing Facts post that I recognized that I needed an accountability partner – a writing nag, if you will – I turned to Carol. We are friends yes, we are writers, yes– and we are lucky. We have a writer friend who can help us if we’re facing a block – be it an attitude block or whatever. I think our greatest good fortune is that we are writer friends who will push each other and be honest.

I will not apologize for supporting my friends’ work when I feel that work deserves not only my support, but an audience. It would be a shame if Carol’s work didn’t find readers. I will do all I can to help as many readers as possible discover her work. And, when my book comes out, if Carol thinks it’s worthy of her support, I know she’ll do the same. But, if she shouldn’t find it worthy of her support, I also trust that she won’t. Because help is only help when it’s sincere.

As you think about your own writing and your writing network of friends, what do you think is your role in supporting them? How do you help? How do they help you?

Jean-Jacques Rousseau, French philosopher and writer, 1712-1778

Limits have been on my mind lately. Reality and its limits, specifically. We are born into families that give us our first limits. We learn who they are, who we are, that falling can hurt, that stove burners are hot. All these experiences help us learn about boundaries and limits. While still very young, we understand that our parents might have to reach for things for us, our grandparents might be pushovers for candy, our siblings might not give back a toy that we want. Slowly, but steadily, we learn about limits everywhere we go. Hopefully, as we grow, we learn values such as “work before play”, that help us set our own limits as adults.

My sons – now both in their early twenties – went through public school in the era of the self-esteem craze. It seemed one of them would come home a few times a week with a ribbon or a certificate or some kind of “Wow – You’re Wonderful” type of recognition. And I got increasingly sick of it. I wanted to ask when the “Wow- we like how you blow your nose” certificate would arrive. It took a lot of effort to try and instill humility and the realization that no matter how talented or smart they were, or thought they were, they weren’t actually any better than anyone else. I watched some students in that era of self-esteem overload get too impressed with themselves. I’m not saying self-esteem is bad. Self-esteem is wonderful and necessary for our mental health and for our ability to contribute to the world. But self-esteem overload can cross a limit – instead of healthy and motivating, it can lead to complacency, a sense of entitlement, and a little too much love for the great big “me.” In other words, as Don McLean sings below, the people with self-esteem overload can think “Everybody Loves Me, Baby..”

While limits are undeniably all around us, we learn, as adults, to balance between accepting limits and taking risks. Hopefully, whether we came through the self-esteem overload phase or not, we learned that we’re not always right and we need to work toward our dreams and goals. Our choices can open or close doors, and over time, we learn to recognize when our own volition is required. We realize in the face of a door-slam of fate, that sometimes we have to walk away and sometimes we try to charge on through. We learn what we can tolerate and what we can’t – another set of limits. A healthy understanding of our personal limits can lead to less frustration and more satisfaction over time.

The second half of Rousseau’s quote above, “…the world of imagination is boundless,” is true. But working writers must live in the real world, with its real limits. Mortgages, taxes, college tuition, health issues, crying babies – the demands on a writer’s time and mental energy can allow the door to slam on the world of imagination, if the writer doesn’t learn to set some new limits.

Have you set your limits? Do it. Whatever you can given your reality, your real limits. Carve out your time, whatever that is for you right now. Can you steal five minutes? That is your limit? Fine. Use it. Take it to the limit, whatever that limit is…. And, spend some time thinking about your limits and what they mean to your writing. Do your limits become excuses or do they motivate you to seize the time that you can? After you listen to The Eagles, if you choose to, I’d love to hear how you “Take it to the limit” in your writing.

Happy #writing!

Eagles-Take It to the Limit-Houston 1976 by hansonataint

(If you find yourself unable to read to the end of this post due to time, please do bookmark and read Ms. Gay’s essay, Beyond The Measure of Men. Do NOT miss her essay.)

The web is buzzing again with the righteous indignation of women about the infuriating discrepancies in publishing of men vs women. We had the American Society of Magazine Editors report and, as Alexander Nazaryan reports, “No, seriously. Many are up in arms about the complete lack of female writers nominated for the major categories of Reporting, Feature Writing, Profile Writing, Essays/Criticism and Columns/Commentary.” No females nominated in any of the major categories, despite some fine writing in those categories. Quite fine. Excellent, in fact. Read Nazaryan’s report and be angry.

Last February, I wrote about the VIDA count and the gender disparity in publishing. This February, another VIDA count, another round of frustrating, but not surprising news. Another year of same song, same story, but most often coming from people with penises. Take a look at this graphic from the count.

My post about the count last year was titled, “What if Book Clubs only Selected Books by Women Authors? Now there’s an idea…” I was particularly troubled then by the disparity in publishing in literary journals, as I was striving to publish in the higher level journals:

“So, what’s a female writer to do? Give up. Hardly. And, if the woman writer happened to go to Mt. Holyoke College (where women rule) and Wesleyan University (diversity and tolerance above all else), and be a breast cancer survivor, surrender is never an option.

I will continue to write. I will continue to read. I will, however, push harder for my bookclubs to select books by female authors. Only female authors. And that feels wrong (remember, diversity and tolerance above?), but it’s something, right? That will be my tiny rebellion for the cause. And yours?”

Guess what? I didn’t fulfill my tiny rebellion. I didn’t even have the balls (ahem) to address it with my bookclubs. This time around, I will. And, I will read and support women authors with more intentionality. I don’t intend to never read male authors — why should they all pay for the assholiness of many?

But, this week also brought us the thoughtful, inspiring writing of Roxane Gay in Beyond the Measure of Men in The Rumpus. She plainly addresses the “here we go again” feeling I had when the buzz re-ignited this spring.

“The time for outrage over things we already know is over. The call and response of this debate has grown tightly choreographed and tedious. A woman dares to acknowledge the gender problem. Some people say, “Yes, you’re right,” but do nothing to change the status quo. Some people say, “I’m not part of the problem,” and offer up some tired example as to why this is all no big deal, why this is all being blown out of proportion. Some people offer up submission queue ratios and other excuses as if that absolves responsibility. Some people say, “Give me more proof,” or, “I want more numbers,” or, “Things are so much better,” or, “You are wrong.” Some people say, “Stop complaining.” Some people say, “Enough talking about the problem. Let’s talk about solutions.” Another woman dares to acknowledge this gender problem. Rinse. Repeat.”

She offers solutions to editors and publishers that are simple, stark and reasonable. Please, read her essay. Ponder it. Don’t miss her section on the label of “women’s fiction.” Then, let’s recruit Roxane Gay to be the Gloria Steinem of the Women’s Publishing Movement. She is brilliant. She is right. Follow her work.

“Change requires intent and effort. It really is that simple.” Roxane Gay

Regular readers know that I made a resolution this year to touch base once a month, on the fifth, and check in with myself on my progress and my goals. (For prior fifth posts, check here.) It’s a good exercise, not always pleasant, sometimes surprising, and I highly recommend it for any distractable-types out there, like me.

My goals on March 5th read:

1) Novel – speak with friend who has offered to review about best timeline for her. Write something in it every day. Doctor’s appointments, tests, whatever, write at least a good sentence, but usually, many more than one.

Pass or fail?  Instead of speaking to the friend mentioned above, I sent her a snail-mail letter. When I get a response, I’ll adjust my timeline. And, unfortunately, fail in terms of writing every day, but not in terms of progress. I had a couple of extended writing chunks (two on trains in France) that helped me finally get out of a chapter I’ve been struggling with and onto the next. So, good progress was made, as much as I could have? No, but better than previous month, yes. Better than baby steps? Yes. In other words, that’s a “fail” I can live with.

2) Encouraging and supporting other writers – twice a week entries here. Calendar two entries to Lyon Review and do them. As possible, incorporate entries with upcoming travels.

I only posted once a week here this past month and twice total in the Lyon Review. I did, however, post at the Lyon Review and on LinkedIn that I’m looking for Mount Holyoke College alumnae to guest post.

In other writing activities from 3/5 to today, I proofread a book for a friend and helped her set up a web page. I submitted pieces to a local radio show and a flash contest. Life activities were quite exciting during the past month, including nine days in France, that have led to several essays in progress. I heard back from the job I applied for and did not receive an interview. I was waitlisted for the Breadloaf in Sicily program, which is great, considering they only take six people. But, I’m hoping one of the six will decide soon that they need that time this summer for their book tour, so they have to drop out, and then….. One can dream.

So, goals for April 5 to May 5?

1) Novel – Ask one of my writer friends to be an accountability partner. Check in with her once a week with progress report and receive any necessary nagging with humility. In afternoons, begin to update potential agents to contact list. Update folder of publicity possibilities.

2) Encouraging and supporting other writers – Seek more guest posts for this blog too. Be more intentional about sharing good posts that I read. Be better about maintaining list for future posts. Do some “housekeeping” at this blog: update blogroll, update reading list, update publication list.

3) Submitting – Set aside time each Sunday to explore what can and should be submitted or resubmitted, and, do it.

Ongoing projects and ongoing education aren’t going to receive specific goals this month either. Ongoing projects, like the France essays in progress, may migrate to the submitting category this month. I am still digesting the workshops from AWP and have much to read and think about from that — I suspect that will be plenty of ongoing writing education this month!

And — my writer peeps — whether you’re participating in Facing Facts on the Fifth or not, how would you do if you honestly evaluated your progress this past month? I hope it was a good one with a better one to follow.

Happy #writing!